How I Knew She Was the One

I’ve always been a serial monogamist. Actually, you know what, let’s back it up. In high school, my dating life was basically non-existent. I had better relationships with text books and basketballs than I did with any girl I would come across. But somehow, when young adulthood rolled around, I was able to find a few girls who would give me a chance. And the process was always the same:

Boy meets girl.

Boy and girl date for a couple years.

Boy and girl break up.

Rinse and repeat.

See what I mean? Serial. Monogamist.

But then I met Alissa. (She’s the beautiful woman you see in the picture above.) And on the surface, just about everything said we would never be right for each other:

She was an extrovert, the life of the party. I was an introvert, who didn’t really go to parties.

She was boots and country music. I was cleats and alternative.

She loaded her dishwasher from the front. I loaded mine from the back.

How could this ever work out? And yet, here we are…more than 6 years later, married with kids. So, how did we get here? How did this relationship last? And how did I know that she was “the one”? Here are 5 qualities of our relationship that told us we were right for each other. 

1. We were honest with each other. In my past relationships, I spent plenty of energy trying to ensure that my girlfriends liked me. So, I hid some of my flaws. With Alissa, things were different. We told each other things we’d never told anyone. And we had raw and real conversations, knowing they could risk our future together. This kind of honesty is something we still strive for in our marriage today (though it no longer risks our future together). And it’s made us stronger.

2. We weren’t caught up in a feeling. We chose to love each other. Relationships tend to start with a feeling. And while there’s nothing wrong with that, those feelings will fade. To truly thrive, we must choose love. Alissa and I didn’t always feel like loving each other when we were dating. (I once told her she needed to “bring it’ more in our workouts. And she blew off a weekend together at the last minute to go to some hunting convention with her parents.) But we chose to love each other anyway. That same principle applies in our marriage. After all, we don’t exactly get that warm and fuzzy feeling when we’re folding laundry, comforting a screaming toddler, or cleaning poop out of the tub.

3. We could be ourselves with each other. Alissa and I both have plenty of quirks we don’t always let others see. Whether it be one’s tendency to leave dirty tissues throughout the house. Or the other’s tendency to pick lint out of a belly button, we have both been comfortable being ourselves with each other. (Now, I’ll let you decide who’s who.)

4. We enjoyed mundane moments together. Alissa watches The Bachelor. (I know. But it’s one of those flaws I’ve chosen to love her through.) Every time I catch a glimpse of an episode, the guy and girl are on a helicopter ride to some exotic location. And I can’t help but laugh. When the show is over, how will they handle those times sitting on the couch with nothing to say? Alissa and I had plenty of mundane moments while dating and more than our fair share of conversations about nothing. But we still enjoyed each other’s company. That continues today, whether we’re working on our budget, sweeping our kitchen floors 10 times a day, or passing out in front of the TV at 8 o’clock at night.

5. We got along with each other’s families. Alissa is originally from Seattle. Early on in our dating relationship, I decided to fly up there to be her date at a friend’s wedding. And guess who picked me up at the airport? Alissa’s dad. That was a comfortable drive. But in all seriousness, we both have always gotten along with each other’s family, and that continues to pay dividends in our marriage.

Alissa and I don’t typically celebrate Valentine’s Day in the traditional, fancy-restaurant-expensive-teddy-bear-chocolate-truffle sort of way. But we do love this time of year because it gives us an opportunity to look at our relationship, laugh at where we’ve been, appreciate what we have, and hope for an even greater future.

If you’re single or dating right now, we pray that you look for these qualities and more as you consider your potential spouse. If you’re already married, be sure to share about how you knew that this was going to be your husband/wife. To truly understand its beauty, our culture needs to hear about real love in authentic marriage. And every marriage has a different story. It’s time to inspire the world with yours.

Question: If you’re married: How did you know she/he was the one?

Question: If you’re single/dating: What qualities do you look for in a potential spouse?