Gabriel Joseph – The Birth of a Saint

A special guest post by my wife, Alissa

It was mid-July of 2013, and even though I doubted I was pregnant, I decided to take a test per the urging of a close friend. It was instantly positive! I called Eric who was at work, and he was shocked and ecstatic! We had been praying for this and were so very thankful for this new life.

I had a few doctors’ appointments, and at 6 weeks we got to see the little heartbeat on the ultrasound. This new little life was growing like crazy. I was a little more nauseous that I was with Kellen, our son, so we would joke that we thought this might be a little girl. But things were going along just as they should be. I was showing, and fully embracing all of my maternity clothing!

During this time we were living in St Louis for 3 months for Eric’s job. Just after hitting 15 weeks, I got a migraine headache. As a person who already suffers from migraines I know them very well. I know the vomiting, the loss of vision, the debilitating pain, and all the rest that makes a migraine miserable. During my first pregnancy I got them, so I wasn’t surprised when I got one at 15 weeks. Now, when you are pregnant, you can’t take the good medicine, so I would take 2 extra-strength Tylenol and drink a Coke (the caffeine can help the blood vessels in the head contract). But this migraine just wouldn’t go away. Nothing worked, and it lasted for 6 straight days. It was at this point when I knew something more was going on.

At night I couldn’t lay down for very long. The pressure in my head was so intense I would just stand and sway back and forth for hours until I got so tired I could tolerate the pain and fall asleep quickly. Towards the end of the 6 days, I noticed how swollen I had gotten. My eyes looked like I had been punched in the face and to say I had cankles would be an understatement. My bathroom visits were very frequent, but I couldn’t go any more than a trickle and the color of my urine was a dark orange almost brown color… Everything I looked up online said it was preeclampsia, except for the fact that I was only 15 weeks, and you never have preeclampsia before 20 weeks. So we were at a loss.

After the 6 days of the migraine, vomiting and over all just feeling terrible, Eric took me to the OB on call at the practice I had been to. They wanted to prescribe me a painkiller and medicine for nausea over the phone, but I told them I really think something else is going on, as I could feel this pressure flowing through my body. So they agreed for a last-minute appointment, and we went in on a Saturday morning. On the way there I was crying since I knew there was a chance I could be admitted to the hospital and I had never spent a night away from our 18-month-old son Kellen, who I was still breastfeeding 1 to 2 times a day. I couldn’t explain to him what was happening to his momma, and it broke my heart. Tears flowed.

At the doctor I still felt awful. They weighed me, and it showed I had gained 15 lbs. since the previous week. (Obviously I was retaining a BIT of fluid!) They took a urine sample, which showed high levels of protein and then took my blood pressure. When the nurse took it, my blood pressure was 200/108. Then the doctor came in, and it was 200/103. That is crazy high for anyone my age, and especially dangerous for someone who is pregnant. The doctor had us meet in his office. He was at a loss for what was going on with me, but advised that I be admitted to the hospital to get the blood pressure and migraine under control. After three rough days in the hospital they discharged me believing that the high BP was caused by the migraine. I was discharged with some painkillers and nausea medicine.

I was thrilled to be going home but still feeling miserable. As I got back to where we had been staying with our very close friends, I got a killer migraine and was so sick, the pain meds didn’t even touch the pain. I would vomit up the nausea medicine, so we were back to where we were prior to the hospital. A close friend of ours who is an RN called to check on me and advised we pick up an at home blood pressure monitor since I still felt like it wasn’t under control. Eric went to Walgreens and brought home the blood pressure machine. I tested mine. It was 180/108…very high. So we tested my other arm. Same result. Then we tested Eric, and our two friends… They were all normal, so the machine wasn’t broken. My blood pressure was just that high. I called the doctor that discharged me, and he prescribed a blood pressure medicine. After 24 hours the medicine really had not changed my BP at all. Back in AZ I texted my cardiologist who is also a good family friend. I shared with him my current state of BP, medicine, and that I was now 16 weeks pregnant. He suggested another BP med was stronger. He also advised that when I get back to Phoenix the following week that I see the specialists at Phoenix Perinatal Associates, who specialize in high-risk pregnancies. The new medicine helped me at least get into the 150/100 range consistently, with it dropping into normal zones occasionally.

As this is was our last week in St Louis, I was still feeling miserable and having a hard time keeping food down. I still had a consistently bad headache, although not at the level of a migraine, so I felt like I may be getting better. Our friends took great care of Kellen and really adopted him for those two weeks and loved him so well! Eric took the lead on everything when he was home from work, caring for Kellen and me in such an incredible way.

It came time to fly home. I texted some friends to pray for our flight. About an hour before we were heading to the airport a migraine began. It was such a bad one, really there aren’t words to describe the pain. I had to just go inside to a deep place to get every ounce of anything I could muster to get through it. With our 8 bags, Eric and a friend of ours brought everything into the airport. My job was to just carry Kellen and to get to the ticket counter. Just to give perspective as I was walking I had tears streaming down my face, and I was verbally saying out loud “in the name of Jesus Christ I command this pain to leave my body.” I said it out loud over and over until I got into the airport. I don’t take those words lightly, but that is how desperate I was. Eric carried our 4 carry-ons and pushed me in a wheelchair holding Kellen through the airport. It left us a little sad as not once did anyone offer to help him as he struggled through security and to the gate. We got on the 3.5 hour flight to Los Angeles and Eric cared for Kellen for most the flight. As we got to LA the headache was starting to break. Eric was an all-star, and thankfully, Kellen was very sweet on the flight, which was a huge answer to prayer. We had a layover in LA and then headed to Phoenix.

Finally, we were home! After unpacking most of the day on Wednesday, we prepared for my Thursday morning appointment with the Perinatal Doctor. My mom had flown into town, and she was with Kellen while we went to the appointment. At this point Eric and I were preparing for me to be put on bed rest and to be diagnosed with gestational hypertension. We discussed the idea of hiring a nanny if bed rest was going to be required, even though I knew I would dread both of these things.

It was a beautiful office, and we went back to the ultrasound room. Since this was a high-risk pregnancy doctor, the ultrasounds were very high quality, and we could see our lil baby so well. We knew we didn’t want to know the sex of the baby, as we always like to be surprised, so we told the tech not to tell us. Heart beating fast, arms moving around, legs crossed…our little baby was moving all over the place. We could see our baby’s sweet little face and thought it had a Roberts’ nose. Our baby moved just like Kellen did in his ultrasounds. After about 30 minutes she said she was going to go get the doctor so he could look things over before we have our consultation. At this point we are just talking about how sweet this little one is and so thankful that even though I have been so sick, that our baby is healthy.

Then our lives changed.

The doctor came in and started to look at our baby as well as the placenta. As he is looking at the placenta he is explaining that all of the black spots we see on it shouldn’t be there. He tells us this is a partial molar pregnancy. We had no idea what that meant. I had heard of it once before but knew nothing about it. Then he looks at the baby and goes on to explain what he thinks has happened. “At conception, 2 sperm fertilized 1 egg and in the separating into twins, 3 full sets of chromosomes went to the baby, and 1 set went to the placenta. So the placenta thinks it is a baby, and it is making you so very sick. And your baby is very sick as well.” He calls in the other doctor to see if he agrees with the assessment. He does. So we go immediately into the head doctor’s office. At this point I have a few tears and am scared and worried about what they are telling us.

In his office the Doctor notices a bruise on my arm from my previous hospital visit and asks how long ago it happened. He calls in a nurse to take my BP and asks for the results of the protein in my urine. This is all as we are beginning to talk with him. He lets us know that I need to understand how very sick I am right now. Not only do I have a partial molar pregnancy, but I have very severe preeclampsia. He is worried about my platelets, my BP is off the charts, and the protein in my urine is toxic. He explains what a partial molar pregnancy is and that we need to go right away to the hospital. He tells us what doctor will meet us there. As we are trying to understand everything I asked about the viability of our baby. He looked at me confused. I said “obviously I know if I have our baby at 18 weeks it won’t live, but what about if we get to 24 weeks.” He responded, “Your baby doesn’t have any viability. It is only going to live while it is in you, and in the meantime, you are very sick and need to get to the hospital.” It wasn’t setting in that this sweet little one we just watched on the big screen wasn’t going to live. It was impossible to comprehend. We left the office and headed straight to Good Samaritan Hospital. We go to Labor and Delivery and get admitted. Eric made calls to our moms to let them know how sick I was and that our baby was in jeopardy.

We got situated and the doctors all come in letting us know that they need to wait for a blood test to confirm what they suspected on the ultrasound. The doctor tells me that at this point my life is in jeopardy and they are worried about my liver and kidneys. They need to get my blood pressure under control. They say that I have severe preeclampsia and that combined with the partial molar pregnancy the only way to save me is to terminate this pregnancy. Eric and I both with tears in our eyes and fear in our minds tell them “We are very Catholic, and we can’t terminate this baby. Is there anything else we can do?” They were very respectful when we said this and said we could induce labor as well but wanted us to know how sick I was and that we needed to make a decision to what we were going to do. They said they would be back once the blood test came back and would need a decision at that time. Then the nurses come in and pad the arms of my bed because they suspect I may begin having seizures.

At this point my OB had been notified by the perinatal doctors of there findings and that I was sent to the hospital. Since I had been in St Louis, I hadn’t seen my OB in Phoenix yet, so he was shocked at their findings. As a prolife OB he said it was up to us, but shared with Eric and counseled us as to what morally in this situation we are able to do, without intentionally killing our unborn baby. His office put into motion phone calls from two other people as well. The first call was from a priest who is the head of bioethics for our diocese and counseled us on our situation. They all shared that our situation falls under something called “double effect.” The placenta is what is poisoning me, so the doctors can treat the placenta, and the only way to treat the placenta is for me to deliver it. In the process our baby will be born, and will die, but the intention is not to kill the baby, but it is an effect of treating the placenta. This is different from the termination as with the termination they would first kill the baby prior to delivery and then they would remove the placenta. With double effect the baby still lives until natural death, which is what we are called to do, giving dignity to life, no matter how long, or short. Life begins at conception and lasts until natural death. In this case, while a very tragic and sad situation, it would still be a natural death for our little one. The last phone call was from another prolife OB who worked at the hospital we were at. He came by our room on his way out of town to give us counsel and to pray with us. He assured us that the induction would work and that we were in very good hands with the doctors who were taking care of us.

All of this was so hard to swallow. Here my life is in huge danger, but then to accept the fact that the little baby who we just saw a few hours earlier moving around wasn’t going to live…It was heartbreaking and very overwhelming for both Eric and I.

It was also sad that our baby was so sick. A baby with Triploidy won’t live outside of the womb, but even though our baby would never take a breath, we knew we had to do right by this little one. There was no other option.

The 5 doctors came back in and told me my levels. My HCG was at 750,000 (normal in 2^nd trimester is 5,000-50,000) and the protein in my urine was at 13,000 (normal is .13) my body was very toxic. They reminded us of the risk to my life right now and advised that we terminate. We said we are okay with induction, but that we will not terminate. They were again respectful of our decision but advised us of the risks with induction as it can take 12 hours to 3 days. And in the mean time I am just getting more toxic.

Our choice was induction and so the process was going to begin. I will spare the full details of this process, but it was awful, as they have to manually dilate the cervix with different devices. I was on morphine while they did it, and then we had to wait 6-8 hours while the devices dilated me. Then the process was done all over again for another 6-8 hours. The nurses took great care of us during this whole process. I vomited all through the night due to the medications they had me on. Now, it is Friday morning and one of the doctors came in to remove the devices to see how dilated I was. I was between 4-5cm. With a baby this small, we only needed to get to about a 6, so we were close, but I wasn’t having any contractions. As the devices were removed, part of my bag of waters came out of my cervix. I went from no labor pains to instantly needing to do deep breathing, and I thought my contractions were double peaking. The intensity of the pain was so strong. Having been through labor before though, both Eric and I knew this was different. These weren’t contractions because the pain didn’t stop. It was constant. I was insisting on an epidural. The doctor checked me again, and my whole bag of waters was now out of my cervix. Several other doctors came in our room and after checking me, they said I could go ahead and push. I do, and my bag of waters breaks. It was the biggest sense of relief in pain I have ever felt. The doctor says I can go ahead and try and push to see if I could deliver our little baby. I push with all my might, but there was no movement. They lay me back down and cover me with a blanket.

We had to wait about 5 minutes for the anesthesiologist to come. In the meantime they had ordered an Echo Cardiogram on my heart, and they happened to show up during this time, so they said well lets just do this while we wait for the epidural. I began feeling contractions, and with each contraction I felt a loss of fluid. I didn’t know if it was blood or amniotic fluid but I could feel huge gushes. This was during the Echo, but after the third contraction, and feeling a huge amount of fluid being lost, I said, “I think someone needs to check me.” My eyes were closed at this point and I am lying down. Eric was standing there at my side holding my hand. As the doctor came over and pulled back the blanket, everything was covered with blood. The tone changed instantly. I was bleeding out. The room was instantly filled with doctors. Our main doctor came over to me and said, “Alissa we are taking you to the operating room.”

I just wanted to make sure that whatever they were going to do was morally okay. I asked the doctor if we could call one of our OB’s we spoke with earlier. He looked at me like I had three heads. He said, “Your husband can do whatever he wants but I am here right now and I am going to save your life!” They told Eric to kiss your wife good-bye. We said I love you, and I told him to tell Kellen that I loved him too. All of this happened in less than 2 minutes Eric asked the nurses how long this would take, and they told him 30 minutes. If you ask him, it was the longest 30 minutes of his life, and I’m sure he cried more in that 30 minutes than he has the rest of his life combined. They wheeled me down the hall, and all I could think about was the pain. I was also trying to figure out why I was still awake because I wanted to be asleep through this. Down the hall seemed like an eternity. I was praying that God would take our little one to heaven before we got to the Operating Room and to make sure our baby didn’t feel any pain. The weight of doing right by this little one was so heavy on me it was tangible. As we got in the OR there were at least 12 people in there, and I just kept saying that I was in pain and wanted to be put out. The doctors were talking to me saying just a few more moments and I will be out. Finally…I was out.

After recovery I was back in my room. I was just coming out of anesthetic, and I heard Eric’s voice and the voice of 2 of the doctors telling stories. I heard someone say you had a son. He never took a breath. Eric and I had talked the night before about names for either a son or daughter. We had decided on Gabriel Joseph if it was a boy. Gabriel is the angel who tells the news to Mary that she will be the Mother of our Lord. He is the Patron Saint of Communication, and we thought that he could be our messenger in heaven. Joseph, of course, is Mary’s husband and Jesus’ earthly Father, a humble man who never leaves Mary’s side in the midst of such a confusing situation.

Before opening my eyes I just said “It’s Gabriel Joseph.” I was very out of it but realized too that I was alive. Shortly after I opened my eyes, they brought Gabriel in and let Eric and I hold him. He looked perfect. Perfect hands. Perfect feet. Everything about him was perfect. They took him and bathed him and took pictures of him for us. They made a mold of his hands and feet and took such loving care of him and us. They brought him back in, and we held him for the whole afternoon. All of our family who was here was able to hold him as well. It was so hard, but such a gift to see his perfect looking little body and to give him kisses. What was truly amazing was that he had barely a scratch on him. Every nurse and doctor we saw remarked that this is very rare, and our boy was very special.

Graphic Warning:

In partial molar pregnancies, it is the placenta which is poisoning the mother and makes her body toxic. They told us it could be very healing to see the placenta so we could see that we didn’t do anything to cause this. We elected to see the placenta, and it looked like nothing we had ever seen. As any of you who have had children know, the placenta should look like a strong organ, and it most often looks like a liver. It normally has the same firmness as well. This was nothing like that. It looked more like if you had a fishing net that collected all of the gunk and slime in the water and put it all together and then added a bunch of clear marble-like cysts all over. Also remember how we had described the doctors thinking our baby had Triploidy (three full sets of chromosomes) and the placenta having it’s own set of chromosomes? Well the placenta had another umbilical cord of its own that was obviously not connected to anything. It was a very sick placenta that was causing all of this.

We were in the hospital for another 2.5 days for me to recover. Eric and I talked, shared, cried, mourned and tried to process everything that had happened. We both had very different experiences. I lost a sweet baby, a life that I had within me for 4.5 months, one that I felt, that I talked to ,and that I tried to protect. I was also very sick, so I had been in survival mode physically. Eric on the other hand lost a sweet baby as well, but he also had to deal with the doctors telling him to say goodbye to his wife. He said the longest amount of time in his life was that 31 minutes before the doctors came in and told him I was okay. To mentally process all of this has been daunting.

As far as going forward I am being weaned off of my blood pressure meds currently. To not have a migraine feels incredible, and I now have toes instead of sausages. I am having weekly blood draws that will go down to monthly to watch my HCG levels as there is a small chance that there are cells that will turn into cancer in either my lungs or brain. But the only way to know if I get cancer is to avoid pregnancy for the next year and to monitor the HCG levels very closely.

We had a burial for our sweet Gabriel Joseph, and it was beautiful. When Kellen was born, Eric and I wrote a letter to him about everything we saw in him as a little baby. He will receive this letter when he graduates high school. We decided to do the same for Gabriel Joseph and placed it with his body in the cemetery. Each day gets a little easier, but the emotion comes on strong out of nowhere. We have been surrounded by our friends, family, and those who have been down this road themselves. We welcome all prayers and thank you for the support we have received.